i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
