Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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