When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
