is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
