Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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