Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
