During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I look better un-naked...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
