If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
