Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
