On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
