dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
