i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
