Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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