Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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