I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
