Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
