My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
