I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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