I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
