We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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