Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
