so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
