I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
