so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
