I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Dignity is for republicans.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
