Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
