Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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