Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
