So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
