I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
