Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
