im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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