Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
