So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
