Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
