How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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