Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
