just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
