Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
