I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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