Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
