you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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