I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
