Can i not drive my cunt home
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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