I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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