the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
