My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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