Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
