My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
should my penis look like a turkey
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
