Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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