The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I will be naked everywhere
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
