I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
