I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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