There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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