Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
