Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
